The right ape for the job?

On occasion during my illustrious[1] career, I have been called upon to recruit personnel into some reasonably specialised positions. Of course, despite many promises to the contrary, this hasn't happened for quite a while at my current employers. That's a mixed blessing, as it happens, because on the one hand an ever increasing workload has to be handled by a tiny band of put-upon 'martyrs', but on the other we are saved the soul-destroying[2] task of looking for something which doesn't exist - namely the right man or woman for the job. Invariably, we have had to take on someone who has the potential to do what we need, without necessarily having the knowledge - then we mould (or crush, if need be) them to fit our inscrutable purpose.

In the UK at the moment are three obvious situations where we simply aren't going to find the right (wo)man.

• Leader of the Liberal Democrat party. Currently a fight between a couple of guys, both keen for the job. In fact, its a pretty meaningless activity, since whichever of them actually gets in will lead a party which stands no chance of getting into government within the foreseeable future.


• Manager of the England football team. OK, I don't know a lot about football, but understand that we set fire to the last guy for failing to get us into something called Euro 2008 (approximately $2,979 at today's rates, not much of a prize, is it?). Our football team seems to fail to get into a lot of things, and when it does get in, it certainly doesn't win. There's no reason to suppose that the individual (would be nice to see a lady in this role, make a change anyway) who can achieve success here exists either.


• Owner of the Northern Rock Bank. This lot are in a bit of a state as a result of the recent 'credit crunch'. Bit of a shame since they weren't directly responsible for anyone moving out of a trailer-park, but that's life. Anyway, they owe the UK taxpayer about £24 billion pounds (a bit more than $2,979 at today's rates) in loans made to bail them out. It seems unlikely, even if a certain well known bearded billionaire manages to buy them (why does he need an international airline since he can clearly walk on water?), that the taxpayer will see this sum repaid in full.

Bleak Huh? Well, I have the solution. A fanfare, please, for Dr Grumbler's Patent Alchemistic-Ape-Altering device. Guaranteed[3] to convert any simian subject into a solid-gold 'right man for the job' (or woman, obviously, depending on the the subject ape - gender reassignment is not an option on this model). Simply follow the easy to read instructions (translated directly from the original Japanese, and then into Swedish for that authentic high-tech flat-pack feel) to program in the desired results, pull the big lever on the right, and then... [4]

[1] meaning: without lustre

[2] yes, Ive still got one. I keep it in the freezer in case I ever need it again

[3] guarantee underwritten by International Reckless Sub-prime Lenders incorporated

[4] monkey not included