Saturday, January 27, 2007

WOW, January 27th

Testiculator: One who gesticulates, while talking bollocks .

Allegedly, this word has been invented to describe Adam Hart-Davis , possibly because of his attempts to portray HM Customs and Revenue as nice, helpful people, with the uk taxpayers' best interests at heart.

Credit to my amigo Pete of the PCpodcast for this new word.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Elevator 'facts'

Some unsupportable 'facts' about elevators, or Lifts, as they are called in more civilised society.

1) The larger a person is, the more likely they are to be standing in front of you.

2) The larger a person is, the more likely they are to be leaving after your stop.

3) If you enter an empty lift in which someone has recently broken wind, you will be joined at its next stop by someone you have a burning need to impress.

4) If you want a lift to yourself, get in and face away from the doors. This unnerves people, and they will leave as soon as possible rather than risk sharing the space with a nutcase.

5) The majority of lifts in the town of Redding are manufactured by "Otis".

6) 15% of English people will snigger to thmselves when entering a lift manufactured by "Schindler" (think about it, it'll come to you)

Update: July 2007: We had some good comments added by people with their own Elevator Etiquette. My thanks to Tengrain, Ellroon and a couple of anonymous chums for these:

Tengrain said...
Axiomatic: when you enter an elevator, it is always going the direction you are not.
Etiquette tip: Always talk loudly on your cell phone while in the elevator. Bonus points for using the phrase, "The clinic says the rash will go away in three days. Now I have to call the others."

ellroon said...

  1. The more you dislike the person you are riding with, the slower the elevator moves.
  2. The more you are in a hurry, the higher the percentage is the elevator is broken.
  3. If you are pushing a wheelchair, a trolley, a wheeled suitcase, it is guarranteed the elevator will not rise completely to be level with the floor.

Things to do in an elevator:
  • When you are in the elevator, stare at your watch, counting down under your breath. Then start hopping frantically while shouting 4..3...2...1...
  • Have your gloves talk to each other.
  • Take off one shoe and look carefully inside. Then call a pet's name.
  • Look at the Otis nameplate in the elevator and then start telling people long-winded detailed stories about your perverted Uncle Otis and his chickens. Never get to the point.
  • Cover your face with a napkin or handkerchief and sob loudly throughout the ride. No one will be able to talk.
Anonymous said...

Rule #1: Do not EVER get on an elevator with Amy when you have a banana in your hands! EVER!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

WOW, January 19th

Another word of the week...

Cosinecure : Position or job which requires temendous effort, while offering little or no reward. Opposite of sinecure.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Damned Passwords

Look, I dont care what the 'security gurus' say, for the past few years I have been quite happily using the names of my immediate family as passwords. After all, I have to remember about a hundred passwords, whereas I have less than half that number of children, and I can remember all their names.

Last time I tried to change a password I was informed that:

1) Passwords must be a minimum of 8 characters in length
2) They must contain both upper and lower case letters
3) They must contain at least one digit, and one or more of the following special characters (-$#@%*)

So, I've given this some considerable thought, and I have a solution. When I get home from my current business trip to the moon, I am going to suggest to my wife that we change the kid's names to R2D2-kid1 and C3PO-kid2. Snappy, eh?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

WOW, January 8th

Yes, its 'Word Of the Week' time.

This week, the delightful wife of one of my acquaintances was heard to claim that she was going through the Mentalpause. I beleive I know how she feels. Looking on the bright side though, once the Mentalpause is over, theres no need to spend a fortune on sanity towels.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Reality TV

Some friends and I, aided by a reasonable quantity of rather pleasing intoxicant, were recently discussing 'Reality TV' in the hope of hitting the right formula to make our millions, with the minimum of effort on our part, and leaving aside all question of taste and decency (since that's an important facet of this kind of show). We think we've cracked it! Any TV producers out there should contact the Grumbler for a discussion regarding production rights for...

Celebrity Victorian Nut-House

The 'action' takes place in a grimly run-down building, some 200 years of age. It is draughty, damp, dark, ill maintained and, frankly, dangerous. Any UK inner-city primary school should fit the bill nicely, and the rental for a period over the holidays might pay for some new chalk and slates for the students.

The cast includes a number of professionals fully trained in nineteenth century mental health care techniques. Exhaustive research on the part of the grumbler (by which I mean I scoured the web until I was tired, which didn't take long after last night's new-year revelry) suggests that this involves the ability to fling a bucket of water, push a small chunk of stale bread through a hatch in a steel door, and physically restrain a malnourished inmate with the aid of only four or five similarly minded ruffians.

Under the tender ministration of these carers we will have a number of 'celebrity lunatics'. Other 'celebrity reality' TV shows suggests that most of the individuals likely to agree to appear will be bordering on certifiabilty in any case. In keeping with similar programs, the 'celebrities' need not in fact be recognisable to the majority of the viewers at the start of the series. It is suggested that they include at least some of the following.
  • Someone who used to read the news twenty-five years ago on regional TV, before leaving to become a postman.
  • Any mildly-controversial back-bench politician, preferable without any 'party' associations.
  • A bishop.
  • A former Children's TV presenter whose career ended in a (preferably smutty) scandal.
  • Anyone who's been on one of these programs before.
  • One or more gay persons, famous only for being gay.
  • An ugly man.
  • A stunningly gorgeous woman.
  • An Australian or South-African sportsperson of yesteryear.
  • A west-highland terrier, or shopping channel presenter who believes they are a west-highland terrier.
  • A post-operative transsexual (preferably D.I.Y.)
  • The Emperor Napoleon
Cameras will be situated all over the 'nut-house' to capture every moment of action, with a daily show delivering 'highlights' to the viewers. Telephone/Text/Interactive TV voting systems will allow the viewers to 'vote out' one celebrity a day at a nominal cost of one pound per vote plus the usual network-charges. Each voted out celebrity will be given a handful of loose change (preferably foreign), a thin blanket impregnated with cat's pee and a cardboard box, and be dropped off under a motorway fly-over to provide some shelter from the elements as they begin to 'live rough' or, as its called these days, re-integrate into the community. (Note the possibility of spin-off programs here)

The eventual winner is, of course, the last person remaining after all others have been voted off. Their prize (unless the dog wins) will be a year's supply of fake tan, and an opportunity to rekindle their career presenting a daytime TV program dealing with the sale of antiques.

I don't watch a lot of this kind of show myself, of course, so I can only hope this one hasn't already been done....

Happy new year.