Don't Let Him in, I Can't Find the Harpic!

I recently took the opportunity to drop in on a friend on my way to a 'food fair' some distance from where I live. As is customary on these occasions, while he and I had arranged this visit a good week in advance, he had neglected to tell his wife until I was a scant ten minutes away. On my arrival, I was slightly surprised that the good lady was, initially, no-where to be seen, but it emerged that she was frantically engaged in 'tidying up and cleaning'. This raises two points:

• As a 'bloke' I am genetically incapable of recognizing mess, so whilst flattering, this activity is completely unnecessary.
• This must be a bit how the Queen feels - apparently everywhere her Majesty goes is redecorated just before she gets there (in my case, its usually just after I've left), and therefore the queen believes that the entire world is spotless, and that fresh air actually smells like gloss paint.

Anyway, I digress... My colleague reports:

She did go on to say she was surprised you hadn't used the toilet (hence the frantic cleaning when you arrived). She went on to say that if it was I that had travelled for an hour in the car, then proceeded to have a cup of coffee, go round a food fair, have a sarnie, beer and more coffee, then there would be a very high probability that I would pay a lengthy visit to the bathroom, along with associated skid marks, drips and unpleasant smell.

My response to this, as an open letter:

I have to admit that once I got 3 miles down the road, I was disappointed thatI hadn't used the toilet. Still, not wetting myself gave me something to concentrate on on the way home.

I shall indeed warn my wife that we will need to line the Kharzi with anti-skid material, should you visit. Pondland [name changed for legal purposes] actually do something which is intended for lining the bottom of ovens which would probably do the job quite nicely. They often have reader's tips too, detailing unexpected uses for their products. I shall write to them:

Dear Pondland,

Thank you for your marvelous oven liner. Its great, and can be used in all sorts of places.

My wife recently obtained a rare phoenixx from a 'Harry Potter' convention, to replace our beloved parrot, Enoch, which recently passed away from a nasty case of 'rivers of blood'. We've called him 'Crazy Arthur Brown' and he's lovely, but he was getting through three cages a week. The poor lad's droppings simply burn through the bottom of his cage, and the traditional sandpaper just isn't up to the task.

Now I use sheets of your magic oven liner, and the droppings just slide off. I'm even making money as Ive been selling them to a nice man who used to work for the KGB, but I have no idea what he does with them.


Also, I am finally able to invite my good friend 'Skidmark Pete' round to my house for a coffee - my wife wouldn'tt allow it before, as cleaning the loo after his visits was such a chore. A little circle of oven liner with a target mapped out with 'tipp-ex' provides Pete with a smashing drop-zone and now we're all happy. Just thought your other customers might like to know of these alternate uses for your marvelous product!

Regards,
Major Q. Tipp (retired)